Rap has historically been the vehicle that has given people who can’t sing well (or in some cases, talk properly) a medium to release the gooey contents of their inner artistic vista.
This is fine if the end result is in some way pleasing to the ear, spirit or the intellect.
However, the artistic presentations from some select individuals can only be considered as the aural equivalent of a pus-filled bubo – and while some rappers splash the globe with hypnotizing linguistic delights, others merely lance the boils of their rap-backs, squirting their toxic music concoctions onto the floor for everyone to slip over.
We have taken a look at some of the more hideous hip-hop pustules that have been popped over the past few years, and strongly urge the centre for musical disease control and prevention to quarantine these pimples on the arse of pop-culture before infection spreads.
The first offensive lesion comes from the UK in the form of Dave Neurotic, Young Zeus and The Duffinator’s delusional effort, “GYM’.
Dave Neurotic, Young Zeus & The Duffinator – “GYM”
To start with, misguided idiot Dave Neurotic sits at his home-gym, feeling the burn with a massive effort of lifting FIVE FUCKING KILOGRAMS, all the while espousing the benefits of a quality work out. He assures us that his ‘guns are as hard as lead’ – but closer scrutiny reveals that the only bullets he would be shooting would be those of the Nerf variety.
Next, Young Zeus lays down his limp, drabby thunder with a gravelly ascertain that he “he does whatever it takes” – although we aren’t told what exactly ‘it’ is. I’m assuming it’s ‘eating a shitload of dodgy curries in the aim of being a pudgy chav’.
After a short interlude of seeing Dave’s puffy man-tits jiggle as he runs breathlessly down a street in what appears to be a bungled pie robbery, we are introduced to The Duffinator, a man who isn’t afraid to take his shirt off, but who still shies away from lifting anything more than the absolute minimum on the bars. And even then, as he mumbles out a line about ‘keeping it firm’, he struggles with that. I’d suggest it’s the peroxide in his hair eating away at his brain tissue and impeding motor function. Get that checked out, guy.
The old saying goes “write about what you know”, and these lads aren’t fooling anyone about being gym junkies. My recommendation to this group is to stick to lyrics about putting huge sound systems in shit cars.
SUPER BROKER SHUFFLE
This video, ladies and gentlemen, will be looked back in time by historians as one of the prime indicators for triggers behind mass shootings in the United States.
Imagine you are working at a soul-crushing customer service job at a moderately sized perishable foods wholesaler in Alabama. Things aren’t that bad. You do your job well. You earn your keep with quiet dignity. Life could have been better, but this is your lot, and you have resigned yourself to the fact that discussions about quantities of beef chuck deliverables is laid out in your foreseeable future for the next 25 years.
But all of a sudden, Jill from marketing dashes your peaceful, lamb-like resignation with the effervescent suggestion that everyone in the company get involved with a zany-new rap video that will revitalise the company and energize sales.
Before you are given the chance to blow your very own brand of hickory smoked brains out all over the brown-panel filing cabinets – you are carted out in front of the cameras and forced to perform like a monkey in an awkwardly composed rap medley that details how fucking shit your job actually is.
Not only that, but you will also be wearing cream pants.
RAED – “You Gotta Love This City Babe”
For some time now, we’ve been trying to crack the riddle that is Melbourne rapper RAED.
We have come up with one of two solutions to this riddle. RAED is either the greatest troll in the history of the universe, or the worst rapper in the world by a golden mile.
But, like a stone Phoenix sitting coldly at the gates of hip-hop-hell, RAED stares into our souls, knowing full well that we will never be able to solve this inexplicable riddle.
Listening to his music is the aural equivalent of being wrapped up and repeatedly bitten by the snakes of Medusa. His particular combination of rhyme and rhythm have physically split holes our dimension and have allowed the malevolent forces of chaotic schizophrenia to make manifest using earthly sonic resonances.
There is no way a being of this earth could make such a cacophony and be pleased with it, so clearly it is ultimately the duty of paranormal investigators to tame, subdue and purge this obvious caco-daemon.
RAED is as prolific as he is evil, with countless releases – the first as hideously out of time and out of tune as the last – bursting forth onto his YouTube channel.
Further proof that RAED is involved with forces of the occult is his obvious zombie-like hypnosis he has yielded over the scores of extras that feature in his videos. No truly sane and cognitively aware individual would participate in such a monstrosity without spontaneously combusting as a result of shame and embarrassment.
His feature film, still in development, but bizarrely available on his channel in raw format – if fully realised, will unleash a horde of miniature RAED leviathans upon the earth, sending our world into a thousand years of darkness, despair, and badly chosen neck tattoos.
RAED – “Still Flowin”
We must stop RAED at all costs, before it is too late.
Have we missed anyone? Leave a comment below with some suggestions of other lyrical butchers!